Happiness, a way of life!

“I am a happy person,” she said. “I like everything about life. That’s why I do what I do”. Gabriella is the concierge lady I met in a beautiful hotel/resort in the city of Interlaken in Switzerland. I stayed there for a couple of days with my dearest friend. She was our “go-to” person every time we needed any information during our stay there. The interesting thing about her is that the more we went to her with our questions, the happier and more excited she was to help us. Every advice she gave us was spot on, which made us trust her more and more. She spoiled us into seeking her guidance on almost everything, even if we knew the answer, we checked with her just to make sure. Deep down, I think we checked with her just to enjoy her demeanor. I observed her behavior with other customers. It was exactly the same! She does not fail to notice details about her clients; their clothes, their moods or their body language. She compliments on all that or helps them be in good mood. My friend asked her for a hug, and she jumped from behind her desk and sprang to hold him like a mother holding her long awaited child who just returned from a long trip.

One cannot help but look at this woman with admiration. I had to ask myself: was she born this happy? Or did she choose to be this happy?

Happy people are naturally motivated, and as a result more productive. Everyone I ever spoke to about happiness agreed with this statement. Where does happiness come from though? A lot of us were taught by caregivers and society that it comes from achieving our goals. If you think about it, this statement is in direct opposition to the one at the beginning of the paragraph. Think about the many times you worked so hard for something only to feel a sense of lack and emptiness right after acquiring it?! Happiness, therefore, cannot be gained outside ourselves. It is not dependent on external circumstances or people. It is a choice that each and every one of us should make every day. I choose to be happy! I choose to be happy in spite of whether I am in the place I want or not. I choose to be happy if I have the relationship I desire or not. I choose to be happy if I like my job or not. I choose to be happy if I own the things I want or not.

The next question to ask would be then, how can I choose to be happy and actually feel happy? Particularly that choosing to be happy when things are not going my way is surely not easy. To some, it might be downright impossible. There is definitely a difference between being happy and feeling happy. The latter usually occurs when something happens the way we wish for it to happen. I saved enough money, and I was able to buy the car of my dreams; I feel happy! The nature of that feeling is transient and usually short-lived. Pretty soon, the car will become old and riding it will become ordinary. Being happy on the other hand is a state of mind, an attitude, a decision. Achieving that stature is not easily attained. It takes work! The good news though it is doable, and the steps that lead to it are beautiful and each has a lasting rewarding feeling of its own.

Below, I share with you the steps I learned to being happy*:

1. Accept: in every moment of each day, life may present us with varying situations. Some of them are as per our hopes and desires but most are not. In either case, we have to deal with them. However, that becomes difficult when we resist the situation we don’t want emotionally. If we introduce the element of acceptance when we face such a situation, we then move ourselves into an emotional neutral. This is a great state to be in as our rational mind will kick in and we will be able to decide on the most reasonable reaction to the situation we are facing. More importantly, in addition to the external circumstances, acceptance should be applied to ourselves. In other words, accept who we are, our past, our nature, and our emotions.
2. Avoid judgment: we are usually very fast to pass judgments on everything: people, situations, places, things, etc… Our judgments are usually based on what we like and don’t like about what we are judging. Instead of unconsciously falling into this horrid habit, let’s make a conscious effort to avoid judgment and apply step 1 first and look at matters objectively as they truly are.
3. Avoid emotional attachment: we also tend to get emotionally attached to whatever we love or hope for. In fact, sometimes we base our whole identity on a role that we enjoy or get used to playing. The most prominent examples I can think of are the roles of being a parent or a job title. These two roles are typically played for a very long time. So, they can easily be mistaken for our identity subconsciously. When that role ends, or the thing or person that we love perishes, we suffer tremendously, which can lead us to serious psychological or physical problems. Here again, the advice is to avoid this emotional attachment by becoming aware of our tendency to do so and realizing that nothing lasts forever, and the day will come when whatever I am doing or enjoying will end. Recognizing this fact on a daily bases is a sure cure from emotional attachment.
4. Develop an attitude of gratitude: We spend a major portion of our conversational time complaining about something that is not going well in our lives. In the process, we tend to forget all that is going well. A fun and simple exercise can remind us of the blessing we enjoy every day. Just take a piece of paper and draw a vertical line dividing the page into a table of two columns. In one column, write down all that is unhappy in your life. In the other column, list as many blessings as you can think of. Examples of that are your health, family, intelligence, good friends, etc.… Now, compare the two lists. Without a doubt, you will notice that the second list is way longer. Yet, we take those blessings for granted and miss enjoying the feeling of being blessed and leave ourselves at the mercy of the negative feelings that arise from focusing on the problems. Another great exercise recommended by Shawn Achor (the author of Before Happiness) is to write three things you are grateful for every day. Keep in mind, you must write three new things each time. Apparently, people who did this regularly registered a clear increase in their happiness level over a span of 2 to 3 months only.

Practicing these steps will reprogram your psyche to shift focus from the negative to the positive. You gain the habit of focusing on the positive, and what a beautiful habit to gain! So what is the end result of all that work? You will become your own version of happy Gabriella, and happiness becomes your natural state of mind.

Stay happy!

*The first three steps are based on Eckhart Tolle’s book “A New Earth”.

Ibrahim Al Yafi

Partner

Mr. Ibrahim Al Yafi is a partner with Meirc Training & Consulting. He holds a bachelor of science degree in engineering management from the University of Missouri Rolla, USA and a master of business administration with emphasis on strategic management and international marketing from Southern Illinois University, USA. Ibrahim is a senior certified professional by the Society of Human Resources Management (SHRM-SCP). In addition, he is an associate certified coach (ACC) by the International Coach Federation (ICF).

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